Anonymous OP 1d

also “straight aroace” generally refers to people who are deep in the aro/ace spectrum & are “effectively” aroace but still possesses some attraction or is somewhat fluid in their attraction. I’ve also seen it used by people who are looking for a straight relationship and are both arospec and acespec but I’ve only seen that once

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Anonymous #1 1d

oh I posted my explanation without seeing your comment lol. but yeah, genuinely thank you for asking in good faith because aro/ace people get so much flak already for their identities. it’s refreshing to see someone being open to listening when they hear this for the first time lol

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Anonymous OP 1d

Wouldn’t what you are describing be Demiromantic or demisexual not aroace? I have heard it explained like aro ppl experience no romantic attraction and that’s forcing romantic attraction on people who don’t experience it (it was explained to me that telling someone who is aro that they will experience romantic attraction is like telling a lesbian they haven’t found the right man) or was I completely misinformed. Thank you, Im just trying to understand bc honestly it makes no sense to me

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Anonymous #1 1d

Ofc, I get how confusing it can be since I had to learn, myself, while figuring out my own identity. And yes, telling someone else that they are wrong about their identity and attraction is messed up. When someone has a nuanced identity, though, they can often fall outside or between labels. For example, someone might have absolutely no romantic attraction and *normally* no sexual, but they get horny once in a blue moon. That’s not enough to warrant a label which implies being open to dating

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Anonymous #1 1d

A lot of aro/ace people hold vestiges of sexual or romantic attraction, but that attraction isn’t remotely enough to sustain a relationship. It’s a spectrum for a reason, and people have to figure out for themself what label best fits their spot on the spectrum. Of course, there’s hyper-specific labels for people, but they’re not practical since most people outside of the community know about aegosexual or lithoromantic, two of the more common specific labels.

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Anonymous #1 1d

so for that particular guy’s sexuality, I’m guessing he’s effectively aro/ace and never wants a relationship, but can still find people attractive. Of course, there’s a LOT more nuance to this. For example, some ace people experience smth like sexual attraction but it’s more like a fascination with a particular situation, often not physically possible and/or not related to stuff people consider sexual.

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Anonymous OP 1d

I yapfested a bit, but I’m genuinely so passionate about and fascinated by the diversity of queer experiences and how personal and intricate they can be. I’ve talked with a lot of other trans/aspec people about nonconforming experiences and it’s such a beautiful thing

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Anonymous #1 1d

oh and the general consensus within the community is that using a particular label while having a nuanced identity is normal & completely ok. when someone says they’re aroace, they’re communicating that they are not and will not be interested in a romantic/sexual relationship. if people assume they actually DO want a relationship because of nuanced identities, then it’s on them since they’ve failed to understand those identities.

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Anonymous #2 22h

And he’s not one of those hardline “gay men only” people either if he’s ok with lesbians saying it. So it’s just a double standard right? It’s not abt anything meaningful, it’s just about who he considers part of his in-group and feels favorable towards and who is the “other” he wants to reject. He’s looking for justifications for already existing negative feelings, and those negative feelings are biased!

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Anonymous #2 22h

slur discourse is generally so dumb because people constantly boil it down to the arbitrary bounds of in-/out-group, like you said. what ACTUALLY determines if it’s ok is: 1. Authentically connecting and identifying with the slur that was used on you, which is a highly-personal experience and not up for debate by others. 2. Not using that slur on other people when it’s making them uncomfortable THAT’S IT. If the guy was using the slur on the OOP then he should’ve just told the guy to stop.

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Anonymous #3 21h

like, his replies were pretty much “don’t come after me over someone else’s identity”, validating another person’s explanation, and then adding that he wouldn’t necessarily understand it just cause he’s not aroace himself. no judgment, basically a well-meaning “I can’t speak on his behalf”

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Anonymous #3 20h

I can see how it might’ve been a well-meaning “I don’t know how that works,”but then he developed a strong opinion about smth he admitted he doesn’t understand, so I still take issue with it.

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Anonymous OP 20h

what’s the strong opinion and where was it expressed? not trying to be snarky, I just feel like I’m missing something here cause all I see is an “idk, don’t ask me to explain because it’s not my word choice”

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Anonymous OP 20h

there was also this

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Anonymous #3 20h

fair question, and I respect the civility. he came off as wanting to have his opinion confirmed by others rather than looking for someone to explain the guy’s POV. no one engaged with him authentically in that way, tho, so maybe he would’ve been chill & listened. but he’s not even interacting with this person as a friend (he said it’s just some guy on Twitter), so it’s hard to imagine he DOESN’T feel strongly about it. but I’m not a Twitter user or discourser so maybe I just don’t get it 😭

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Anonymous #3 20h

also I’m not trying to call out this specific person, his post just inspired me to make a discussion/educational post lol. the hypotheticals on if he would or wouldn’t be chill don’t matter that much to me.

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Anonymous OP 20h

ohhh I think I mostly get where you’re coming from—cause I agree that with the self-quote post it sounds like he’s more interested in having his own perspective reaffirmed rather than wanting to understand the other guy’s thought process. that being said, I also think it’s fair for him to get a little testy over a self-described straight guy throwing around the f-slur, and I don’t think that’s equivalent to him “taking it out on the guy’s sexuality”

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Anonymous #3 20h

I think the frustration is valid but he fundamentally doesn’t understand aphobia and its connection with homophobia, which a lot of people don’t (hence this post). and I respect how you care abt fairness here since I do the same thing lol. tbh I’m not judging his character but rather a general trend he may or may not be a part of

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Anonymous OP 20h

yeahhh that’s real, I def hear you there. in fact the more-general attitude you’re responding to with this post is a big part of why I’m cagey about publicly self-describing as grey-ace thanks for receiving my questions in good faith and taking the time to unpack your perspective in a way I understand 🫡

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Anonymous #3 19h

yeah ofc, the internet is an imperfect medium and idk who the guy is or his character outside of his two posts 😭 the important part is the trend. and I’m also glad we can understand each other with this :>

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