Anonymous #1 1w

bc it’s a wlw dating canon event 💔

19

Anonymous #1 1w

ppl should not be talking about exes on the first date period and every time this has happened to me, this is basically how it went down

16

Anonymous #2 1w

why do you think people shouldn’t talk about their exes on a first date?

-2

Anonymous #2 1w

When my fiancé and I first started dating (I’m pan and she’s a lesbian) we knew we wanted to have sex and she asked me a question and I had to explain my ex in it bc he SA’d me and she needed to know that bc I have ptsd and we were gonna have sex. Context matters. Sometimes it’s ok and necessary to talk about our past so it doesn’t fuck up the future

19

Anonymous #1 1w

Lowkey a lot of people are projecting their experiences and I can see why, obviously its not everyone but ive also experienced being with a girl that would bring up certain about her exes while we were fucking to compare me to them, theres nuance here, obviously its not every bi woman but this is a pattern of harmful behavior needs to be talked about on some level because its a growing issue

6

Anonymous #4 1w

wtf that’s awful, I’m sorry you were put in that position. honestly “don’t compare me to your ex sexually” / “don’t tell me about any of your exes while we’re fucking” are 100% sensible expectations imo, no exceptions needed (save for “I can’t do [act] because it triggers me due to my abusive ex”, like with what #3 was saying) question though—when you say “pattern of harmful behavior”, what’s that in reference to?

21

Anonymous #1 1w

Its mostly in reference to what im seen skimming through the comments and what ive seen other wlw friends be put through as well by women that are just getting into dating women and haven’t unpacked their internalized homophobia (obviously this isn’t exclusive to bi women but from what ive observed it presents differently in lesbians)

1

Anonymous #4 1w

-And project it onto their partner(s), sorry didn’t mean to cut myself off there

1

Anonymous #4 1w

it’s probably true that internalized homophobia tends to manifest differently between lesbians and bisexuals, that makes sense. but being toxic and harmful definitely isn’t a pattern with bisexual women in specific, it’s a pattern with humans in general. so let’s not allow our traumas to convert into fuel for bigoted biases

8

Anonymous #4 1w

Unfortunately it does extend past sexual comparisons, for example same girl (dw she’s long been an ex now and I’ve learned to respect myself) really tried pushing me into presenting more feminine, would kinda say things about me not plucking my eyebrows (not that i had a unibrow or anything) would tell our guy friends that she’s thinks she’s too good for me behind my back and really struggled respecting sexual boundaries (not only with me but also actually SAd two women after our relationship)

6

Anonymous #4 1w

like, if the “growing issue” you were referring to is “bi women being shitty partners”, I need you to seriously reconsider what you’re saying. it’s regressive and narrow-minded to decide that members of a certain oppressed demographic must be more prone to destructive behaviors just because you and some people you know were all harmed by members of said demographic

1

Anonymous #4 1w

Tldr just a lot of internalized misogyny and homophobia that she continues to harm other queer women with, and she unfortunately isn’t unique in that respect

1

Anonymous #4 1w

goddamn though, yeah, that ex sounds like a massive scumbag. like if she wasn’t attracted to your presentation then why did she choose to get with you in the first place 🤨 as if it was her place to “customize” you to better suit her preferences. I hate that shit so much

6

Anonymous #1 1w

Its not about being a shitty partner in general though, its specifically how the behavior manifests and where its coming from, lesbians have a similar issue as well and ive been able to have discussions on here about that as well without getting defensive, please don’t put words in my mouth

-5

Anonymous #4 1w

I’m not trying to put words in your mouth. what “growing issue” / “pattern of harmful behavior” were you speaking to in this context if you weren’t making a generalization that singles out bi women?

7

Anonymous #4 1w

lesbians aren’t any less likely to deal with weird objectifying internalized misogyny that leads to them cruelly nitpicking other women’s appearances or violating boundaries. which is it, are you down to acknowledge that lesbian women commit the same harms, or are you chalking this up to something specific about that ex being bisexual? it’s one or the other.

8

Anonymous #1 1w

You were though, “being a shitty partner” is so broad and vague, so I specified that we shouldn’t be pushing internalized homophobia/misogyny onto others in a queer relationship, and this happens with lesbians as well but presents differently, how is that singling bi women out as a whole? Show me where I’ve generalized,

1

Anonymous #1 1w

My ex didn’t do what she did because of her bisexuality, Ive never said that, its just how her unhealed issues were projected onto me, i will repeat this is possible for a lesbian to commit the same harms against their partner(s), does that clear things up?

2

Anonymous #4 1w

you said “obviously it’s not every bi woman but this is a pattern of behavior”—why exactly would you feel the need to clarify “obviously it’s not every bi woman” if you were speaking to a pattern with wlw in general, rather than connecting this issue to bi women in particular? you said how it manifests and where it comes from was specific to bi women, but then you said lesbian women have a similar issue. again, which is it? sounds like a lot of cognitive dissonance on your end.

10

Anonymous #4 1w

sure, glad to hear you understand that that wasn’t Bisexual Behavior. just pay attention to what’s being communicated by the language you use, please. surely you understand where my wariness was coming from re: your vague comment about “not all bi women, but it’s a pattern”

10

Anonymous #1 1w

Because unfortunately people are biphobic to bi women and I didn’t want to come off generalizing with this limited character count even when a subset of toxicity is the subject of conversation, yeah all wlw are capable of being shitty partners, that goes without saying.. And we do have similar issues as our communities intermingle often but they may differ in specifics, doesn’t mean one is any less of an issue but i cant just go about changing the conversation and straw-manning ppl

2

Anonymous #1 1w

Of course I understand your weariness because I used to get the same way when people would criticize my community for things that were not at all exclusive to it, but at the same time I understand that when people’s experiences are lining up in a certain way that may be something that needs to be addressed as a community, if someone is using those experiences (if they’re their own or not) as an excuse to be bigoted, however, they really fucking suck

0

Anonymous #4 1w

“when people’s experiences are lining up in a certain way that may be something that needs to be addressed as a community”…? what experiences are lining up in what certain way?

10

Anonymous #1 1w

What we’ve been talking about.. this goes for biphobia, transphobia, misogyny, any internalized bigotry coming from within the community, im speaking more generally because this isn’t exclusive to discussions within the sapphic community, Probably not the best example but off the top of my head, its like how some gay men are misogynistic in varying degrees and that may present differently than how straight men’s misogyny presents, we’re still able to talk about how its affecting-

1

Anonymous #4 1w

-other communities in the queer community without it being bigoted to gay men as a whole

1

Anonymous #4 1w

we’ve been talking about a few different things, this is an unclear response. don’t be vague, tell me in clear terms exactly what you’re referring to when you say “people’s experiences are lining up in a certain way”. what’s the experience? what’s lining up in what certain way? what needs to be addressed, and by which community?

4

Anonymous #1 1w

Yk what just take your apology back, it seems like this whole conversation you’re using others rudeness as an excuse to be combative with me trying to reach a mutual understanding, which is ironic because the one girl was doing that as well and you didn’t make yourself put up with that, so I will be doing the same, I thought we were getting somewhere but its unfortunate that I was wrong about that

1

Anonymous #4 1w

oh my god lmfao. you are such a despicable coward. some part of you knows that you’re making a biphobic generalization, you refuse to say it with your whole chest because you can’t deal with the fact that YOU are being the person who “really fucking sucks” because they’re “using those experiences as an excuse to be bigoted” I meant that apology when I said it, but I was wrong, I hadn’t misinterpreted you. you’re just too deep in cognitive dissonance to have any idea what your own argument is

0

Anonymous #4 1w

I was explaining a general idea on how we should be handling these kinda of sensitive discussions on toxic behaviors within the community and gave an example, sorry i cant list 10+ out on command, im a human being not a robot

1

Anonymous #4 1w

so you refuse to make a clear straightforward statement because there’s no way to clearly state what you’re obviously insinuating without revealing yourself to be a biphobe. instead you mince words while scolding other people for being too vague. and if someone points out the reality of what you were getting at, you cry that they’re putting words in your mouth. go fuck yourself

0

Anonymous #4 1w

don’t talk to me any further. conversations are for conveying meaning through words, and you clearly aren’t interested in doing that

0

Anonymous #1 1w

So did my example go over your head? I’m not talking about the bi community im talking about the queer community as a whole and how we should be handling discussions about toxic/otherwise bigoted behaviors without jumping to bigotry and generalizations, im agreeing with you but it seems to be falling on deaf ears,

7

Anonymous #4 1w

I asked you to express yourself clearly and you threw a defensive tantrum. that told me everything I needed to know. you aren’t slick! let me know which part of “go fuck yourself” and “don’t talk to me any further” wasn’t clear enough—unlike you, I’m not afraid to be straightforward

3

Anonymous #1 1w

You could just stop responding mate

10

Anonymous #3 1w

Yeah unfortunately i hit send before their new request rolled in dw tho

7

Anonymous #3 1w

whaaaaat???? 🙀🙀🙀 wait, really? thank god you were here to explain that to me, idk where I’d be without youuuu why is everyone on this app such a condescending dipshit? keep the snark to yourself, I didn’t say anything to you in the first place

-2

Anonymous #1 1w

Damn someone is throwing a fit! It literally sounded like you guys agreed several times. Maybe don’t be such a dickwad? Damn. Also fun fact I can comment on whoever’s comment I want

8

Anonymous #3 1w

it “sounded” like we were reaching an agreement because #4 was being deliberately vague and disingenuous so as to make themselves look innocent while they continued to harbor biphobic biases, dumbass. judging by some of the upvotes, plenty of other people understood this fun fact: no, you can’t comment on my comments anymore because I’m blocking you

1

Anonymous #1 1w

You need to calm tf down omg

1

Anonymous #4 1w

I’m assuming you meant to reply to me cause I said fiancé but yeah you definitely weren’t bugging. The points they were making ab biphobia were valid but I fear they were just mad you weren’t saying it exactly how they wanted you too. And thank you!!!

8