Excellent use of anaphora, and switching it to yearn at the end is an excellent break of the rule you established. I’d say one thing is, you could be even more specific and descriptive In each line. Also, idk if I love the first line, feels a little disjointed, you could possibly lean into that though and add a space or two between the first and second line to really, connected the the I want statement but a visual gap demonstrating it’s the same moment of thought.

11

i would think abt the rhythm of the lines and how they flow yk? Like, where are the stressed syllables of the words and all that. shakespeare math iambic pentameter type stuff

1