Anonymous #2 5w

My cis bi and straight friends*

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Anonymous #2 5w

Two things here are 1.) There are a lot of lesbians out there who do conform to gender norms so this would apply to specific people, not lesbians in general and 2.) agreed with you, not conforming to gender norms doesn't mean you're not cis. Im just trying to figure out what they're even talking about and if it's just another case of "this is my experience so I will assert it's everyone's experience" or if there's something more substantive they're just doing a terrible job of explaining

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Anonymous OP 5w

Yeah I agree, no one should be projecting their experience onto others

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Anonymous OP 5w

I will say this idea is kind of reminiscent of monique wittig’s “the straight mind” and the original theory on compulsory heterosexuality but you could argue that with the progress made with acceptance since the 80’s and 90’s could mean that being gender conforming could compensate for not being with men romantically/sexually but that’s really a matter of opinion and personal experience

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Anonymous #2 5w

I wont speak on that though because ive never been a fem in a straight friend group, so I wouldn’t know how that dynamic functions or how thatd feel nowadays

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Anonymous #2 5w

Well I will say I am a fem and I have gay friend groups and straight friend groups and I am very much just a girl lol I'd say lesbianism is 100% compatible with being cis and I'm not compensating for not liking men by being a feminine woman. I think at a certain point a line becomes a circle and you (not you specifically) go so far that you end back at being male centered. I don't think being gender conforming is compensation unless you're trans and conforming is a performance

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Anonymous #2 5w

I'm not a gender theorist or anything but "being really girly when you're gay is compensation for not liking men" is just a take I won't even follow lol

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Anonymous OP 5w

I didnt mean to imply femininity or girlyness is a compensation for not liking men, my wording is off there, I’m moreso trying societally that they’ll possibly be more likely to accept the exclusively-liking-girls-thing if you’re gender conforming sorry it’s kind of hard to summarize the main ideas of both of those works in one comment lol

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Anonymous #2 5w

Like a surface level example would be how some lesbian women feel othered by their straight girl friend groups because they can’t engage in the “boy talk” bonding that happens

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Anonymous #2 5w

Okay this makes more sense

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Anonymous #2 5w

But on this boy talk point, I think that's not a strictly lesbian experience nor is it an experience all lesbians have. Like if you aren't dating at all or are having difficulty with it, even as a straight woman, you can't really engage in that conversation. And if you're in conversation with straight women who just want dating updates in general and aren't weird about it, you can talk about girls the same way they talk about guys.

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Anonymous #2 5w

Or like how men try to put us in this weird “little buddy” role because they don’t know what to do with us since theres no chance with them, It’s like we’re no longer women to them, but also not the same as another guy friend either, ive seen it more commonly with more masculine lesbians but thats not to say it doesn’t happen to fems too

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Anonymous #2 5w

I'm maybe fortunate to have gone to college where I did and live where I do now to where straight women can have dating conversations with gay women without it being weird, but even in that, when I had no/limited experience with anyone, that was othering whether it was lesbians or straight people. I think we all can do better about recognizing which experiences are unique to lesbians vs not

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Anonymous #2 5w

Yeah I see where you coming from on this point with masc lesbians and men

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Anonymous #2 5w

Tldr I meant it as how society treats us rather than how we may view ourselves and our gender (Sorry im yapping again 😭) those works are talking about how lesbians are/were treated under patriarchy as a “secret third thing” its like how in the Victorian era all queer ppl were“inverts” and they didn’t view us as women because a part of the definition at the time was centered around heterosexuality and entirely based around their companionship to men,

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Anonymous #2 5w

I think what you're saying makes more sense to me in the context of lesbians who aren't super gender conforming

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Anonymous OP 5w

(Replying to the boy talk comment) I agree with you, originally comphet referred to how all women are pressured to get with men under the patriarchy, but at the same time I do think as a lesbian we have a unique experience with that as we have no potential to be attracted to them, it seems like you grew up in an accepting environment so im glad the experience im describing is no longer universal

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Anonymous OP 5w

Unfortunately until modern times even feminine, gender conforming lesbians were treated just the same, but im happy to notice the progress

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