LGBTQIA+ on Sidechat | I shouldn’t have to explain that if you’re attracted to men, you are not a lesbian, even if you’ve made the choice to only be with women. It only perpetuates the stereotype that all lesbians secretly like men.

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LGBTQIA+ 13h

I shouldn’t have to explain that if you’re attracted to men, you are not a lesbian, even if you’ve made the choice to only be with women. It only perpetuates the stereotype that all lesbians secretly like men.

Anonymous 13h

and like, okay, in a pinch, I get it. If you’re in a situation where you need to get across that you’re not interested in men, but it would take to long to explain that u do like men but you’re choosing not to be with them, it’s fine to just say you’re a lesbian. But don’t identify as one 24/7 when you KNOW you’re not a lesbian. Attraction comes up in everyday conversations so people WILL pick up on your attraction to men despite you identifying as a lesbian.

Anonymous 11h

I do get what you mean. I’m a woman who is coming to terms with the fact that I really only want to date women, but I would NEVER call myself a lesbian because I do feel some attraction to men and it’s been made very clear that lesbians do not want me in that community/ using that label. But on the other hand, I think we should bring back labels as a functionally useful term to explain your identity to others? Like if someone only dates women, lesbian explains that. Isn’t that the point?

Anonymous 12h

Isn’t sexuality a spectrum?

Anonymous 13h

If this post is “trans man lesbians are invalid”, get over yourself. If not, I apologize, my b.

Deleted 12h

Comment Deleted

Anonymous

#1 13h

it’s not 😭 this is actually in response to a comment I saw that said bi/pan women who only pursue women bc of political reasons can identify as lesbian :/

Anonymous

#1 13h

sorry “can” is probably the wrong phrasing. They CAN identify as lesbian, but I think it’s problematic if they do.

Anonymous

OP 13h

I’m not woke enough for this shit bro

Anonymous

#3 12h

what?? words have meaning, that includes individual sexualities. Other identities exist that describe different forms of attraction, lesbians don’t have to make room for other people to fit in when those identities already exist…

Anonymous

#3 12h

lesbianism is a spectrum is the sense that different lesbians have different relationships with gender constructs, and experience different levels and types of attraction to non-men. The ONLY “rule” in the label is the non-attraction to men, but it’s still a spectrum.

Anonymous

OP 12h

I’m not a lesbian so I can’t speak for lesbians, but I’m gay and have dated a girl and once in a while am attracted to women or trans people, but it’s much easier to just say I’m gay because that’s how I feel most of the time. I see how claiming to be lesbian and when you’re actually straight can be a thing but some people don’t fit the perfect 50/50 of the bisexual label.

Anonymous

OP 12h

What if someone who identifies as lesbian wants to date a gender fluid person?

Anonymous 12h

When did I say bisexuality wasn’t a spectrum? I said for SOME people it isn’t a perfect 50/50 (aka a spectrum)

Anonymous

#3 12h

Gender fluid people aren’t men. They are gender fluid, they are non-men the same way they are non-women.

Anonymous

#3 12h

no, you said the bisexual label is 50/50.

-2

Anonymous

#3 12h

“some people don’t fit the perfect 50/50 bisexual label”

Anonymous

OP 12h

Girl that’s not what that means omg

Anonymous

OP 12h

I chose not to label myself as bisexual because people assume I’m 50/50 is what I mean

Anonymous

#2 12h

then explain…

Anonymous

OP 12h

I literally agree with your post and your point but you are willfully misunderstanding this specific point

Anonymous

#3 12h

Okay. Sorry, I misunderstood but I get what you meant now. And that’s okay, but I think we’re forgetting what I said about there being a harmful stereotype that all lesbians secretly like men. It’s not really as big of a thing for gay men, and so I think it’s harmful to identity as a lesbian when you’re not, whereas it’s not harmful to gay male community in the same way. Or at least I don’t think it is. You can confirm or deny.

Anonymous

OP 11h

Sometimes they are men. That’s part of the point

Anonymous

#1 11h

sometimes, yes. I wasn’t denying that. But I was meaning ‘man’ as in someone who is always a man. Besides, let’s say gender fluid people are the one exception to the ‘non-men’ rule of lesbianism, does that really change anything about what I’ve said?

Anonymous

#4 11h

I agree. That’s basically what I meant when I said lesbian works “in a pinch”. It works as a way to get across what you’re interested in during a conversation. But you shouldn’t identify with it 24/7 if you know it doesn’t actually suit you (aka you express attraction for men).

Anonymous

OP 11h

I get what you’re saying but I think I’m trying to take it further. Why doesn’t it suit you 24/7? It’s the life you’re living 24/7. You relate to the same things lesbians go through. Labels should work for you, not limit you.

Anonymous

#4 11h

because lesbians don’t experience attraction to men. Who you feel attraction towards comes up way more often than you think it does, it’s not just about who you pursue. There’s an entire culture around talking about people you find attractive. And many queer women relate to lesbian experiences, you don’t have to be a lesbian to relate to other lesbians.

Anonymous

#4 11h

on a completely unrelated note, idk if this is the case for you but for ME I slowly went from identifying as bisexual to someone who only wants to date women but feels some attraction to SOME men to ultimately figuring out I was a lesbian experiencing comphet. I won’t claim it’s the same for you, but your wording reminded me of myself so I thought I’d mention it in case you’re interested in exploring the possibility.

Anonymous

OP 11h

I get what you mean, I’m just offering another perspective on the point of labels. And I have considered it, but honestly what’s stopping me is much less comphet and much more the fact that as this post illustrates, many lesbians as a community are not super open to anyone who is still unsure about their attraction to men or who might experience scant attraction to men.

Anonymous

OP 11h

I’m not saying that to shit on lesbians or anything but I just think it’s a bit ironic that you are like “have you considered lesbianism” when I would never call myself a lesbian BECAUSE of posts like this

Anonymous

#4 11h

hey it’s one thing if you’re exploring your identity and think you might actually be a lesbian, then you’re more than welcome in the community. I never meant to shut out people who are questioning. All I’ve been talking about is people who know for a fact that they feel attraction towards men.

Anonymous

OP 11h

I mean. It kinda does. And you’re still at least partially invalidating genderfluid people.

Anonymous

#1 11h

could you please go back and explain what point it is that you’re making? Is it that lesbianism excludes gender fluid people?

Anonymous

#4 10h

I feel like you misunderstood my point completely. Never has any of this been about people who are questioning or exploring their identity. It’s about people who KNOW their identity (like pan or bi) and KNOW that it includes attraction to men, and STILL want to identify as lesbian anyways. All I want, as a lesbian, is for people to respect the identity for what it is and to not give fuel to the people who constantly invalidate it.

Anonymous

OP 10h

I do get what you’re saying, and I think it sucks that the fear of further homophobia sometimes forces us to be more guarded. Personally I think I view my sexuality as a spectrum in a way that doesn’t align with lesbianism unfortunately but now I’m rambling. I still think what’s most important is we’re all girl kissers and we should all kiss each other 😘

Anonymous

#4 10h

That is something we all can agree on yes 😌