I mean, only you can determine for sure what you feel and why, but it does sound like it could be internalized homophobia and also internalized ideas about your own masculinity - there’s this cultural narrative (even in gay/lesbian spaces) that masculine = top = attracted to femininity, which is unhealthy and unhelpful a lot of the time. Being a bottom or attracted to masculinity doesn’t make you any less masculine, but sometimes it can feel that way because of cultural gender roles

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