Anonymous OP 16h

But the three of us have been best friends since middle school. And are very close in all other regards.

1

Anonymous #1 16h

This is just one issue. I don’t want it to ruin an otherwise valuable friendship

11

Anonymous OP 16h

i'd talk to her about it. u shouldn't feel like u have to hide a whole part of ur life from her

11

Anonymous #1 16h

The thing is I don’t feel the need to talk about my sex life with everyone. Some people yes, if they’re also comfortable talking about sexy stuff. And if she simply didn’t approve of her friends having sex outside of marriage, then I would simply not mention it to her. I wouldn’t feel like I’m being dishonest, just keeping my private life private and not sharing TMI. She assumes we’re all virgins. The major issue is that with this assumption, she feels comfortable discussing her extreme takes.

6

Anonymous OP 16h

And since I know how passionate she is about no sex outside of marriage (she is seriously offended by the existence sex outside of marriage), I feel guilty for hiding it while still being friends with her. Sex is only a small and very personal part of my life, but avoiding sex is a big part of her life and values.

6

Anonymous #1 15h

aw man this was suppose to be a reply not a new comment

1

Anonymous #1 15h

feeling guilty about these things for a friend isn't a healthy way to be in my opinion

4

Anonymous #1 15h

It’s ok I figured it was a reply

1

Anonymous #1 15h

She knows about my boyfriend, just doesn’t know we have sex and doesn’t know that I don’t hold the same values about sex as she does

1

Anonymous #1 15h

Thanks for your input though, I appreciate it. I do have other friends I can talk to about it, including the other friend hiding her sex life. I think my primary concern is that I’m wronging her by keeping this hidden from her.

1

Anonymous #1 15h

It feels deceptive (probably because it is)

1

Anonymous OP 15h

if u feel fine just keeping that to urself then go for it. just be sure the guilt u feel around her isn't spilling too much into ur life, bc there's nothing guilty about consensual sex. id just fear that ur gonna get deeper and deeper into ur friendship and she'll find out ur values and have an extreme reaction towards it someday

3

Anonymous #1 15h

That worries me too🫣

1

Anonymous OP 14h

I mean, do you think it would change how she views you? She’s not entitled to any of your private life of course, but maybe you could like suggest you don’t agree with her views to see how she feels. If she blows up over it, that would be a red flag for me personally. They’re you’re friend though, you know best

10

Anonymous #3 14h

It would change how she sees me. I’m afraid she would see me as a bad influence. She would definitely see me as someone “living in sin”. And wouldn’t trust my judgement anymore

6

Anonymous OP 13h

I think you have to decide if keeping it to yourself weighs on you too much to kind of put a damper on the friendship. Sex before marriage is 100% ok (I’d even recommend it!) and the only person who has any right to know your sex life is your doctor so I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong at all by not sharing. But if not sharing is weighing on you so heavily it affects the friendship, maybe consider what’s best for your mental health.

6

Anonymous #4 13h

That’s what I think too. But it only feels wrong because she assumes I’m a virgin, and I know she would be disturbed to find out, not because she doesn’t want to know TMI, but because she wants to know that I’m a morally sound friend

4

Anonymous OP 13h

In all honesty I feel like it’s weird to tell your friend you’re not a virgin anymore. You’re acting like it’s the same thing of telling your parents you’re not straight, you’re not compelled to and it’s strange to feel like you have to just because you have different views. If it’s TMI then don’t share?

5

Anonymous #3 13h

It’s definitely not good for my mental health. But I fear that telling her or being the friendship would make it way worse. Especially since we have so many mutual friends I just want to keep the peace.

8

Anonymous #2 13h

Thanks ❤️

1

Anonymous OP 13h

Then you need to decide if sacrificing your mental health is worth keeping the friendship. Sending well wishes your way

6

Anonymous #4 13h

It’s only because she talks somewhat regularly about how “bad” it is to have sex outside of marriage. Otherwise, I totally get what you’re saying. I wouldn’t feel any need to tell people, in fact it could feel like oversharing if I don’t think a friend would be comfortable knowing. It’s only because I listen to her talk about these things in her presence and act all innocent by saying nothing and then behind her back I’m living a double life.

5

Anonymous OP 13h

It’s not a double life, you don’t owe anything to anyone else for what you do with YOUR life. If she believes in sex after marriage then that’s great for her!! She can practice her beliefs. That’s on her with her body. If she’s upset over it THAT much then maybe that’s not a friend worth keeping. You should be able to have disagreements, nobody is going to agree on everything 100%.

12

Anonymous OP 13h

I’m not usually compelled to update my friends on my sexual life or virginity status, but the fact that she makes it clear what she thinks about sex outside of marriage, makes me feel like I’m violating an unspoken rule of honesty in friendship. But also, she’d be just as upset if I were to tell her Ive had sex, plan to have more sex, have no remorse about it, and don’t give a crap if other people have sex either.

3

Anonymous #4 13h

Oh yeah it’s definitely sad but you have to know what values you’re okay with differing in your friends! For me I couldn’t be friends with someone who’d condemn me or anyone else for having sex before marriage, but I could be friends with someone who’d want that for themselves. It’s sad to loose friends but you have to be true to yourself also.

6

Anonymous OP 13h

Again, if she’s that upset over what you do with YOUR body, that’s weird.

10

Anonymous #3 13h

Thanks ❤️❤️ It’s a tough spot I’m in. I’ve been discussing it in therapy. I just don’t want to make any rash decision. But I want to do the right thing.

8

Anonymous #4 13h

I agree that it’s very weird. It makes me uncomfortable. Even before I was sexually active, it always irked me that she was concerned about the possibility that other friends of ours might be having sex with their partners

9

Anonymous OP 13h

That’s good!!! I’m glad you’re speaking to a professional about it because navigating friendship losses can be horrible. But I do really hope for you! Maybe things will work out and she’ll have a change of perspective, and if not don’t worry girl you’ll find your people! It seems impossible sometimes but I’ve been through it and it happens!!

8

Anonymous #4 13h

I agree. I totally respect her choice to do what she believes is most honorable. But I don’t think it should make me obligated to live the same way in order to be a good friend

4

Anonymous #3 13h

I wouldn’t choose to be friends with someone with those kinds of closed-minded views if they were that way when I met them. But for the first 7 years of our friendship, she was open-minded and even was bothered by other people being judgemental like that

4

Anonymous #3 13h

Thanks for sharing. It seems difficult because most of my close friends I’ve known for years, and making friends was easier in middle and high school when the workload wasn’t so overwhelming and I had time for a social life

6

Anonymous #3 13h

Thanks so much for all of you advice

4

Anonymous OP 13h

Of course!! And yeah, I lost a friend of 5 years once, not fun. But I made new friends over time. I really am rooting for you girl!

5

Anonymous #3 13h

How did you find new, quality friends? I know it sometimes just happens spontaneously, but I do want to develop friendships. Even though I have a couple of very close friends that I know are “safe”, I don’t want all my eggs in one basket. And I think it’s healthy to have a variety of friends

4

Anonymous #3 13h

I do make a lot of surface-level friendships nowadays, but it seems like most people already have their people and don’t have time for forming lasting friendships

3

Anonymous OP 13h

Most recently I moved to University and go amazingly lucky with my roommates. I keep a close circle so I may not be the best at this, but honestly just being okay being on my own for some time and open to meeting new people. There was a period where I felt so alone, but I told myself life can’t be bad forever. One of my best friends I met when we ended up sitting next to each other and got to talking.

1

Anonymous #3 13h

My boyfriend I met after losing my ex freind as well, I was trying to make deeper connections with some of my more shallow friendships and we clicked instantly. I have found the best friendships can’t be forced, but to remain open and speak to people you think you could have a connection with!

6

Anonymous #3 13h

Oh yeah my sister also became best friends with her roommate. I had a strange experience with mine😭 (just did not respect boundaries and was very messy) But I’m just glad I have a good relationship with my sister and parents. They’ve known me my whole life, so I never really feel completely alone. My adhd makes it so difficult to manage a social life and get out and about during school, since I’m rarely ever fully caught up with schoolwork

1

Anonymous #3 13h

I guess I just have to up my chances by getting out more, and increasing the number of people I interact with in my daily life. I know it’s not the healthiest to be too reliant on a partner for friendship, but my bf really is my best friend. But it would just be nice to have more girl friends to relate to.

3

Anonymous OP 13h

I really can’t judge you cause my boyfriend is my best friend, I think it’s entirely healthy as long as they’re not your only friend for extended periods! And yeah I felt that way before college, honestly a lot of my older friends I’m super close with but we never talk sex, so it was exciting to have new friends I could talk about that stuff with. But yeah I believe in you!!! You got this!!

4

Anonymous #3 12h

He was already one of my best friends, before we realized we loved each as more. And I think knowing him as a friend first made it so much easier to form a healthy romantic relationship together, since we had already established trust and knew we had a basic level of compatibility between our personalities and worldviews.

1

Anonymous #3 12h

Yeah I definitely want to find friends that are more comfortable with “girl talk” about sex and relationships and stuff. I’m also completely ok with not ever talking about sex with friends, especially if they’re not comfortable discussing personal stuff like that. But it would definitely be nice to have friends that can relate to me in that respect.

4

Anonymous OP 11h

I really think it’s so important to have friends you can. There’s so much stuff I’m learning by sharing experiences it’s so amazing

4

Anonymous #3 11h

My boyfriend seems to benefit from talking to his more sex-positive guy friends! And I definitely see the value of it on here, just from seeing the ladies support each other on an anonymous platform

6