Ask Women on Sidechat | My bf & I have been together 2 yrs. He’s done a few very fked up things to me but says I’m overlooking all the good he does when I mention breaking up bc I can’t get over those things. He has done a lot of good things too. How to navigate this?

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Ask Women 5w

My bf & I have been together 2 yrs. He’s done a few very fked up things to me but says I’m overlooking all the good he does when I mention breaking up bc I can’t get over those things. He has done a lot of good things too. How to navigate this?

Anonymous 5w

Advice I got from somebody in the past was that the good times will always be there. Subconsciously everybody is going to try to think about the good times (the past) in order to feel better about themselves or their relationship, but it's also necessary to think about the bad times and how truly awful they were too. If what he did truly bothers you, it's going to keep bothering you if you stay and that will fuck with your happiness, trust me I been there after a 5 year relationship

Anonymous 5w

It depends on the gravity of the bad things. I understand it’s so hard when you love someone so much and they are sort of force feeding you all of the good memories, but there’s a reason you are feeling your heart and head tell u to think about breaking up. Don’t lose that in yourself! I know 2 years can feel like such an eternity trust me. Especially in your teens and 20s because those are the years where so much changes and so much happens and moves so fast that it feels like 2 years ago was a

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Anonymous 5w

what did he do ? sounds like he’s trying to manipulative you by saying he’s done a lot of good too

Anonymous

#1 5w

Lifetime. So it feels like you’ve been together for a lifetime,

Anonymous

#1 5w

But trust me girl if your heart and intuition is telling you something is wrong , it’s something to listen to. Especially if when you are bringing these things to his attention, instead of taking accountability and being embarrassed and ashamed and regretful, he’s instead trying to sort of like control your perspective to only look at the “good things” so you won’t focus on the bad. Whether this is intentional or not, it is happening, and it’s not your fault or something you deserve.

Anonymous

#1 5w

I also know in our generation it feels like every man is so awful, because lots of times that’s all we have experience with and that’s all that social media shows us. But I promise there are normal and loving men out there who are healed and grown and can love you like you deserve to be loved. Not to say other people are perfect, everyone has flaws and areas in need of growth, but it sounds like you maybe deserve a love that doesn’t leave you so distressed and confused

Anonymous

#1 5w

And I completely understand reading advice like this can make u feel defensive over him and your relationship, I completely get that, and it’s natural. I am sure when it’s good it’s amazing. But if it’s very bad when it’s bad- I suggest moving on as hard as it is- there’s someone out there whose good is out of this world and whose bad is still filled with love and teamwork.

Anonymous

#1 5w

Sending you love and compassion ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Anonymous

hellraiser 5w

he’s made many jokes about my skin colour & how dark I am despite being white & telling him many times those comments made me uncomfortable, after I broke down to him telling him I was questioning his attraction towards me due to those comments the very next day we went out to eat & he could not keep his eyes of the waitress the entire time then later admitted it bc he found her pretty, he’s used the fact that I was SA’d against me to make me cry during an argument right after I opened up to him

Anonymous

OP 5w

about it knowing he was the only person I’ve disclosed this to. He’s made my physical appearance outside of my skin colour the butt of his jokes on numerous occasions. He got upset that I didn’t want him to take photos of my butt & guilt tripped me by throwing in my face all he’s done for me & got very upset & ended up slapping my butt hard out of frustration

Anonymous

OP 5w

he made a joke about SAing me then threatened to kill himself after I kicked him out if I dumped him. (The first guy to SA me joked about it before it occurred so that’s a very big trigger to me)

Anonymous

OP 5w

Yell & swore at me for making a driving mistake repeatedly yelling “what the actual fuck is wrong with you” Has admitted that he’s jealous of the attention I get from strangers & said he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t get the same attention

Anonymous

hellraiser 5w

It’s just a build up of things over the years. It’s not everything too. I’ve told him my self esteem has plummeted while being in this relationship. But then he does these grand things for me so it’s this huge contrast. I don’t have anyone in my personal life that I trust enough to share this with so sometimes I feel like I’m overreacting by leaving.

Anonymous

#1 5w

Thank you for this

Anonymous

#3 5w

Very true, the bad times were bad. I know I need to leave thank you

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Anonymous

OP 5w

oh honey you need to run! not only is he unhealthy he is dangerous and abusive. you need to finally put your foot down and stand up for yourself by breaking up. that is the only way all of this will stop. you deserve someone that respects you and makes you feel safe and cherished. whatever good he has done for you does not outweigh the abuse he has shown u

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Anonymous

OP 5w

leaving is not an overreaction. a relationship should be uplifting you and bringing up your self esteem not bringing it down. that is a very clear sign something is wrong

Anonymous

OP 5w

Oh my god baby get OUT!!! Tell people close to you of your plans. Does he live with you? Baby RUN.