Ask Women on Sidechat | My boyfriend told me that the thing that scares him the most about me is my independence and that I don’t NEED him, which makes him feel that he provides nothing to the relationship since I’m not dependent on him. Am I wrong for thinking that this is a 🚩?

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Ask Women 21h

My boyfriend told me that the thing that scares him the most about me is my independence and that I don’t NEED him, which makes him feel that he provides nothing to the relationship since I’m not dependent on him. Am I wrong for thinking that this is a 🚩?

Anonymous 21h

That immediately seems like a red flag to me. You shouldn’t be dependent on a partner, you should be equals. If his biggest fear is your independence that means if you stay that will go away

Anonymous 15h

Anonymous 21h

That’s a red flag, him needing you to depend on him in a relationship like bf/gf is concerning. You being independent is not a problem because you were independent prior to being together why would it change adding a title.

Anonymous 9h

That does seem like a problem. I try to reiterate that just because I don’t need you, doesn’t mean I don’t want you. You’re right I don’t need you. But I choose you. And I choose to be with you because I want you. And if I’m with you only because I need you, you could lose your purpose at any point. Being wanted is so much more fulfilling and important than being needed.

Anonymous 20h

you are certainly not wrong

🍓

Anonymous 17h

That’s a HUGE red flag. A partner should be someone you want to spend time with, not because you need them but because you want them. It seems that he’s been keeping what he wanted (a SAHM and wife) secret from you until you are really in the relationship. I think he has been lying about what he wants in a relationship. Honestly, if I were you I would definitely consider the relationship.

Anonymous 17h

YES RED CARPET

Anonymous 21h

it can scare him but it shouldn’t push him away

Anonymous 19h

Depends on if it’s him wanting to be controlling or it makes him feel like less of a man

Anonymous 21h

And if anyone wants/needs more context, I’m more than willing to give it!

Anonymous 9h

What does he mean by this tho, because there is a difference between being controlling vs wanting to provide for you, he wants to do MORE for you, and he seems to just not know how and wants communication on how he can be better for you and your needs

Anonymous

#1 21h

So the thing with him is that it doesn’t necessarily push him away (in the sense people usually know), but it makes him irritated or pushy whenever I refuse to let him “provide” for me. Like I’m okay with him buying me WingStop/food every once in a while (as a college student on a tight budget to the point where WingStop is a luxury for me), but gifts can be a little much for me and so he gets irritated whenever I ask him not to buy me something expensive just to have, if that makes sense? And—

Anonymous

OP 21h

—then he’ll become distant, even after I explain that it’s not a NEED or that if he really wanted to gift me something, I’d rather he gift me something that could be an experience (even if it’s as simple as covering a ticket to the fair kind of thing)

Anonymous

#3 21h

And that’s part of my argument and part of what’s making me contemplate wanting to break up with him. So he admitted that his ideal relationship would be a woman who could have his kids and be a SOHM while he provided for the family. However, I am currently on my second year of my undergrad and want to at LEAST work towards my masters and I told him that I wasn’t getting my degrees just to hang on my wall for the kids and that I would absolutely do something with it. While he didn’t express it—

Anonymous

OP 21h

—outright, I could tell that it made him upset when I said that

Anonymous

OP 21h

Break up with him. If he wants a SAHM and that isn’t you break up. If he doesn’t want you to get a job that you worked hard for break up. If he wants to try and “provide” for you and sees it as a threat when you don’t want that break up

Anonymous

OP 20h

Me and my fiancé also had this same issue except his quarrel wasn’t with me being independent but refusing to commingle so we’d be joint while maintaining our independent interests. And it took awhile for me to understand what he meant because I’m such an independent person because I’ve seen how being dependent failed my mom. But he wanted us to include each other in plans, he does want me to be a sahm for the first 3 years after we have a kid which I said part-time at minimum and he agreed.

Anonymous

#3 20h

That’s valid. I had a problem in a relationship when I decided I was going to try and stop being such a people pleaser. He said he liked the old me more. I asked why and he said it was because I was more obedient and did more things around the house since I had more time. Now without me there his stuff becomes a mess because I would clean it, he has less money because he spends it and I save it. He was jealous that I didn’t need him because he needed me

Anonymous

#2 20h

Oh wow I’m sorry, that’s not okay and it’s quite revealing of that person that they only appreciated you when you could be walked over. If you are out of that, glad you are.

Anonymous

#3 20h

Thankfully I am. Unfortunately I still have to see him sometimes but it isn’t my problem anymore. I know he talks bad about me to his friends but the ones that talk to me seem to coincidentally stop being friends with him. Plus I still have a support group, a job, and quite a bit of money saved so I’m doing great

Anonymous

#5 19h

See the other comments, it’ll definitely explain it, because I’m not exactly sure which it is tbh

Anonymous

#9 9h

did you even read the post?

Anonymous

#8 9h

Bit rude, I’m asking a genuine question, is he trying to be controlling, or is he coming from a place of not sure how to be a good provider for her. Maybe he comes from a family where his mom was a stay at home mom Is he trying to change her or just not sure how to adapt and still do his part and provide?