Ask Women on Sidechat | My boyfriend told me that the thing that scares him the most about me is my independence and that I don’t NEED him, which makes him feel that he provides nothing to the relationship since I’m not dependent on him. Am I wrong for thinking that this is a 🚩?

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Ask Women 9w

My boyfriend told me that the thing that scares him the most about me is my independence and that I don’t NEED him, which makes him feel that he provides nothing to the relationship since I’m not dependent on him. Am I wrong for thinking that this is a 🚩?

Anonymous 9w

That immediately seems like a red flag to me. You shouldn’t be dependent on a partner, you should be equals. If his biggest fear is your independence that means if you stay that will go away

Anonymous 9w

Anonymous 9w

That does seem like a problem. I try to reiterate that just because I don’t need you, doesn’t mean I don’t want you. You’re right I don’t need you. But I choose you. And I choose to be with you because I want you. And if I’m with you only because I need you, you could lose your purpose at any point. Being wanted is so much more fulfilling and important than being needed.

Anonymous 9w

you are certainly not wrong

🍓

Anonymous 9w

That’s a HUGE red flag. A partner should be someone you want to spend time with, not because you need them but because you want them. It seems that he’s been keeping what he wanted (a SAHM and wife) secret from you until you are really in the relationship. I think he has been lying about what he wants in a relationship. Honestly, if I were you I would definitely consider the relationship.

Anonymous 9w

YES RED CARPET

Anonymous 9w

it can scare him but it shouldn’t push him away

Anonymous 9w

Depends on if it’s him wanting to be controlling or it makes him feel like less of a man

Anonymous 9w

And if anyone wants/needs more context, I’m more than willing to give it!

Anonymous 9w

What does he mean by this tho, because there is a difference between being controlling vs wanting to provide for you, he wants to do MORE for you, and he seems to just not know how and wants communication on how he can be better for you and your needs

-3

Anonymous

#1 9w

So the thing with him is that it doesn’t necessarily push him away (in the sense people usually know), but it makes him irritated or pushy whenever I refuse to let him “provide” for me. Like I’m okay with him buying me WingStop/food every once in a while (as a college student on a tight budget to the point where WingStop is a luxury for me), but gifts can be a little much for me and so he gets irritated whenever I ask him not to buy me something expensive just to have, if that makes sense? And—

Anonymous

OP 9w

—then he’ll become distant, even after I explain that it’s not a NEED or that if he really wanted to gift me something, I’d rather he gift me something that could be an experience (even if it’s as simple as covering a ticket to the fair kind of thing)

Anonymous

#5 9w

See the other comments, it’ll definitely explain it, because I’m not exactly sure which it is tbh

Anonymous

#9 9w

did you even read the post?

Anonymous

#8 9w

Bit rude, I’m asking a genuine question, is he trying to be controlling, or is he coming from a place of not sure how to be a good provider for her. Maybe he comes from a family where his mom was a stay at home mom Is he trying to change her or just not sure how to adapt and still do his part and provide?

-1

Anonymous

#9 9w

Well it started as just him wanting to do more for me, but then when I’d communicate “Hey, I’d need [insert] and [insert] to be happy, I don’t need all these materialistic things” but then it’d turn into him either being upset because it’s not the idea he had in his head of what “providing” means to HIM or him telling me that he’s just going to provide what HE wants for me, even if I’ve told him multiple times that it wouldn’t make me happy

Anonymous

OP 9w

Oh then yea get rid of him, he just wants you to conform to his idea, which he shouldn’t ever try to do. He either needs to adapt or he isn’t the one for you Now what he wants to do to provide isn’t necessarily bad, but he needs a girl who’s ideas aligns with his ideas