Ask Women on Sidechat | How do you view bondage from a feminist lens? I am a het guy whose major kink is being a rope dom, but I feel as a feminist i am reinforcing the patriarchy by engaging in bondage. I want to hear how feminists (esp subs) view bondage and patriarchy

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Ask Women 21h

How do you view bondage from a feminist lens? I am a het guy whose major kink is being a rope dom, but I feel as a feminist i am reinforcing the patriarchy by engaging in bondage. I want to hear how feminists (esp subs) view bondage and patriarchy

Anonymous 21h

As long as it’s consensual and safe bondage is perfectly fine no matter the gender

Anonymous 21h

Talk to her about it! Research feminist literature about it, im not into men so im not sure about the hetero dynamic stuff but i guarantee you theres good zines about it around. And take care of yourself/advocate for yourself in the bedroom. As a switch who mostly doms i know the sort of guilt that can come from that kind of stuff, aftercare for you and debriefing is a must.

Anonymous 20h

I don’t think there is anything wrong with anyone having specific kinks as long as they act consensually. But I do think at some point more women and men need to stand back and really question why it’s so common for women to have kinks about being submissive or harmed while men more commonly have kinks about harming. I worry women are taught to romanticize their pain and that’s weird.

Anonymous 18h

Bondage in and of itself isn’t patriarchal/misogynistic, but there are some nuances there. Certain kinks/fetishes are only developed because of cultural frameworks. For instance, humiliation kinks could be universal, but a sissy kink wouldn’t exist in a culture that didn’t view it as shameful for a man to look fem. Does that make sense? So maledom/femsub BDSM may exist due to patriarchy, but so long as the individuals themselves are consenting, aware, and leave it in the bedroom, it isn’t bad.

Anonymous 21h

This feels more like a BDSM group question

Anonymous 15h

I think it’s all about intention and consent. If you both have the same intentions and desire it for the same feelings, and are both enthusiastic about wanting it, it’s your choice. But if you’re into it for misogynistic or internalized misogyny reasons, that’s when it may become an issue.

Anonymous 20h

If someone’s into it they’re into it

Anonymous 19h

Bro not on yik yak

-2

Anonymous

#1 21h

I was gonna ask in the main one and it was full of sexual images...

Anonymous

#3 21h

From a sub perspective tho i find rope and bdsm stuff to be a really loving experience and an expression of my partners' care for me. Of course its a diff dynamic with two women but so long as my partner checks in and is responsive to any discomfort i may be showing i think the power dynamics are comfortable and dont make me worry outside of the scene

Anonymous

OP 21h

Aaaa

Anonymous

#2 20h

agree

Anonymous

#1 18h

BDSM groups on her are unfortunately more horny than conversational/informational

Anonymous

#3 18h

Ty this was really helpful! Do you know like zines that would be a good place to start, im not super familiar with many.

Anonymous

#5 18h

Yeah i think this is part of the reason i feel really weird about it. Im pretty much only into bondage and not a lot of the sadomasochism but obviously the act itself falls into that realm of women submitting to men and i feel weird trying to enjoy it.

Anonymous

#5 18h

Women are absolutely taught to romanticize their pain. Domination/CNC fetishes are more common in patriarchal, puritanical societies. A common theory among psychologists and sociologists is that women develop these fetisish as a way to distance themselves from the shame associated with wanting to have sex. That and media often romanticize their idea that, if a woman puts up with an abusive/domineering man in the right way, he’ll eventually become her safe space.

Anonymous

#8 18h

Thank you this was really helpful actually.

Anonymous

#8 18h

I think it is my knowledge of this that makes me feel super icky engaging in any form of bondage. I like know that while she has consented, i like dont know how to feel when i consider what may have caused her to want this

Anonymous

OP 17h

Yeah I struggle with that myself. What caused it is an unfair society. It rewires us. You can fulfill the desires that happened DUE to unfairness, while also refusing to perpetuate it outside of the bedroom. Like— a cishet man can be feminist, but also dislike pegging bc his culture taught him not to do that. Idk, I digress. Just be cognizant & remember that subs actually control the dynamic. She likely wouldn’t let you dom if she thought you were actually misogynistic.

Anonymous

#8 16h

Tysm all of your comments were super good to read

Anonymous

#8 16h

Cnc/domination is huge in wlw spaces too idk if that one is exclusive to patriarchy

Anonymous

#9 15h

I think my main concern is whether or not my reasons are misogynistic by nature though. Like i believe i am a feminist and am doing my best to try to undo what the patriarchy has taught me, but then i feel that getting aroused to tying up a woman is very much problematic if i want to be a feminist

Anonymous

OP 5h

Well I think you should explore what about it is arousing for you. Is it because you like to restrict women or because of a power thing, think about what comes up when you imagine doing it. And then maybe ask her why she might like it, is that something you can relate to?