
Everyone has a personal relationship to G-d or lack there of. You don’t have to be pushed into believing one way or not. If you are struggling with your religion you can go to spiritual leader or talk with your friends- or even do your own “research” reading what different people believe.
Something I think a lot about since having a similar maybe?? experience (aka losing my beliefs/deconstructing) was a philosophical idea called Plato’s Cave Allegory. The TedTalk YouTube channel explains it in a great vid. It’s basically the idea that once you step outside of a limited belief system or world you begin to see things in a new light (the sun) and see reality while before you were stuck in a darker place (the cave) watching shadows other people produced for you.
Idk if this is necessarily helpful or not for your situation but it may be something interesting to ruminate on and think about in relation to your own experiences? For me, I got to the point that I wanted to believe again but it was like I physically couldn’t force myself back into the cave to watch the shadows any longer— even tho some days I was desperate to. You may relate to that too.