Ask Women on Sidechat | Hear me out, as a man, I couldn’t imagine raping a woman, none of the men I’ve been friends with have either. But every woman I’ve ever gotten close with has a rape story, who are all these rapists? Is it just college guys? How common is this?

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Ask Women 3w

Hear me out, as a man, I couldn’t imagine raping a woman, none of the men I’ve been friends with have either. But every woman I’ve ever gotten close with has a rape story, who are all these rapists? Is it just college guys? How common is this?

#poll

Very common

Some woman lie about it

Not that common

301 votes

Anonymous 3w

I don’t personally know any woman with a rape story, but almost everyone I know at least has an SA or harassment story. Rapists are by no means the majority of men but enough are to do a lot of damage, and one rapist can well rape a lot of people. And it’s difficult for women to come forward, and even harder to get justice, so unfortunately very few rapists are stoppwd

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Anonymous 3w

The problem is a lot of people see coercion as consent. When it isn’t. If someone feels pressured into sex that isn’t consent. If someone is having sex and says stop and you don’t? That’s rape. Every single woman I’ve ever met has been sexually harassed and most woman I know have been raped. This isn’t just college guys. This is young kids, grown adults, fathers uncles brothers.

Anonymous 3w

The issue is the general public has a major misunderstanding of consent. Like how drunk one night stands are normalized when they shouldn’t be. Consent is a sensitive thing

Anonymous 3w

I think there was an actual study done on this where they said there’s a huge chance that most women you talk to will have *some* past experience with SA. Typically that does stem from the fact that SA/r*pe is really not as linear of a definition as people sometimes make it out to be and fits multiple categories

Anonymous 3w

People don’t full understand rape, and sexual abuse is not talked about a lot. I was in a sexually abusive relationship, and he was my first bf too. So I had no idea that sex wasn’t supposed to feel like I was being split in half and that I was being coerced into it even though I initially didn’t want it. A lot of the time a guy will take a woman being flirty, making out as a sign that she wants to have sex. Even if she let you do things before that weren’t full sex, it is still rape

Anonymous 3w

the majority of rape and sexual assault is not like a scene in a movie in a dark alley. it's a boyfriend who won't take no for an answer and it's easier to just say yes than to have an argument. it's a guy who really wants you to have another drink. it's a stranger who thinks it's okay to put his hand on you.

Anonymous 3w

Anonymous 3w

I didn’t realize I was assaulted until way later in life when I was in therapy because I had blocked it out of my brain entirely. Mine was a friend, my best friend was assaulted by her uncle. It could be anyone which is why people are often so afraid.

Anonymous 3w

SA is very common. I’ve been touched in my sleep & raped. I personally don’t know many other women that were raped but definitely SA’d. But also no one knows I was raped too so I think a lot of women would conceal it.

Anonymous 3w

the man who sexually assaulted me in high school has raped 3 other girls since then. all under circumstances with no hard proof and none of us have the ability to bring it to the police for a variety of reasons. you either believe women or you fucking don’t, i don’t really think a yikyak poll is the place to decide which one you are.

Anonymous 2w

probably a lot of men don’t realize that they did, especially if the girls response was to freeze and then didn’t press charges

Anonymous 3w

Keep hating on me ladies and gentlemen. You are pushing away someone who just wants to understand

-7

Anonymous

#3 3w

Like I doubt the guy who raped me thinks he did anything wrong

Anonymous

#3 3w

My question is is how drunk where you? Because the definition of intoxication in the eyes of the law is that you are slurring your words and you can barely stand. That’s how it’s defined

-7

Anonymous

#6 3w

Isn’t it like 1 in 3 or sumn

Anonymous

#4 3w

Yeah I think that was the number

Anonymous

#4 3w

My situation was different and didn’t involve alcohol.

Anonymous

#3 3w

Oh ok bet yeah that’s deffo rape then

-5

Anonymous

#4 3w

Why am I getting downvoted I’m getting context lmao??

-2

Anonymous

#7 3w

I have a question. Did you give consent at the time? If you did than how is it rape. I’m simply just asking a question and trying to understand. I am a man and I can’t handle the idea of raping someone.

-4

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Anonymous

#4 3w

You are immediately going to see how it could be 3s fault. You are also asking about something EXTREMELY personally to see if you personally agree with it being rape. That’s why you are being downvoted.

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

They are anonymous why does it matter?

-5

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

It’s not personal it’s literally in the eyes of the law. I said that. Stop misrepresenting what I’m trying to say and go do something more productive. I’m trying to get a different perspective and you are out here hating on a jit

-5

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Anonymous

#4 3w

Because you are asking about something personal, regardless of anonymity. How would you like to be asked about what might be the most horrible event in your life, that you still are trying to get over because of the toll on your body, mind and emotions? That’s what you’ve done. Just because you “can’t handle the idea of raping anyone” doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

I’ve been molested as a child and I don’t mind people asking me about it

-5

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Anonymous

#4 3w

You asked how drunk they were. They didn’t even mention it happening to them. I’m not misrepresenting. You asked for why you were being downvoted. If you want to do something productive then ask productive questions about how to handle it if a friend comes to you with that experience. Or what to do if someone does rape another. Or what to do when the situation looks dodgy.

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

Once again, clearly misrepresenting what I’m trying to say. I didn’t say that it doesn’t happen I was just trying to get a different perspective.

-6

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Anonymous

#4 3w

And people thought you were being rude about it. That’s why you were downvoted. That’s all there is to it.

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

I already know what to do in those situations so that question is irrelevant.

-5

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

Yeah “thought” is very clear here.

-5

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Anonymous

#4 3w

And my question is why does it matter if someone was drunk or not? Why does it matter how drunk anyone is? Because even if in the eyes of the law that’s not rape, in the eyes of the law forced oral isn’t seen as rape either.

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

That’s called oral capitulation in the state of California. That’s a crime.

-5

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

She mentioned drunk one night stands that’s why I’m asking. If you are going to try to educate people at least be educated on the topic. I knew oral capitulation off the top of the dome piece ma’am.

-3

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Anonymous

#4 3w

In California it’s a crime. Not in every state and certainly not in most countries. Not to mention the amount of evidence needed in all cases to prove rape of all kinds.

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

I can definitely get behind this. You shouldn’t pressure anyone into doing something they don’t want to do. I feel like that’s a general thing everyone should abide by

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Anonymous

#4 3w

I’m very educated on this topic. I don’t know why you are trying to argue semantics with me without seeming to understand that laws≠ actual legislation and what happens. Either way you clearly aren’t here to be actually educated, so I’m not going to bother.

Anonymous

#4 3w

I have a question. What the fuck? I was 11. No I didn't give consent

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

Well you are wrong. You are the one with the hostile attitude when I’m just trying to LEARN. I’m TRYING TO UNDERSTAND and SYMPATHIZE. I’m not a goddamn asshole. An asshole wouldn’t bother going through the effort of this right now.

-6

Anonymous

#4 3w

Even me saying the word sympathize here is emblematic of an understanding of the situation.

-5

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

Very disappointing honestly. I should’ve ignored you cuz you are clearly rage baiting.

-3

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Anonymous

#4 3w

To accuse me of rage baiting, on a post that was meant to be for education, where you asked a question and got an answer you didn’t like, very similarly to what you did to others? Funny.

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

You aren’t educated we’ve been over this don’t act like you are cuz you dont know ball. Half the shit you said Google literally says you are wrong about.

-4

Anonymous

#4 3w

Accusing strawb of ragebaiting in any situation is actually insane she is our most respectful person in the community, just pack up and leave brother

Anonymous

#2 3w

Think about it from my perspective. Would you feel that you are being respected?

-4

Anonymous

#2 3w

She literally just assumed the worst possible way of taking what I said and ran off to the races with it. That’s not respectful that’s misrepresenting an argument

-2

Anonymous

#4 3w

Yeah actually I just read through everything she’s said and at no point has she taken a disrespectful or mean tone, simply answered your questions with the gravity and severity a topic this serious requires

Anonymous

#4 3w

She did not at any point misrepresent you argument

Anonymous

#2 3w

She did. She claimed that I said “rape doesn’t happen” when I in fact did not say anything of that magnitude. The bias is showing.

-2

Anonymous

#7 3w

This context was missing. Thanks for enlightening me

-3

Anonymous

#4 3w

If someone says they were assaulted that means they did not give consent, that’s not something that requires context. Why do you feel the need to question everyone here

Anonymous

#4 3w

She didn’t. She said rape happens wether or not “you can’t handle the idea of a man raping someone “ which is something you actually said

Anonymous

#4 3w

It is not the job of survivors of something traumatic to bring you to enlightenment, there are enough resources and testimonies out there you can do it yourself without making people feel bad and uncomfortable

Anonymous

#2 3w

I was confused by the statement. That one was on me honestly. I completely misunderstood what she said. That was my bad

-4

Anonymous

#2 3w

Or sorry “you as a man can’t handle the idea of raping someone “

Anonymous

#2 3w

It’s literally ask women you complete dolt. This is the forum to do so. If you don’t agree with that then why are you here???

-4

Anonymous

#4 3w

I appreciate you trying to educate yourself but take this as education: there are wayyy better ways to go about it, this one is making victims uncomfortable

Anonymous

#4 3w

This is simply not okay. If you truly want to know, ask what happened and let the person themself explain. Even if something had happened when I was older and I did give consent, I ALWAYS have a right to revoke that. Consent at first, doesn’t mean consent always. If you revoke consent or say the safe word at any point and they continue, that is rape.

Anonymous

#2 3w

Nope. Didn’t say that. I said “I’m a man and I can’t handle the idea of raping someone”. That doesn’t include a man at all. Or someone at all. Misrepresentation clear and present.

-3

Anonymous

#4 3w

This is a place to ask women things respectfully, but not everything will be something we are willing to answer and not every question feels respectful (especially when you call someone a complete dolt, which is especially ironic when you’re complaining strawb isn’t being respectful to you) you’re welcome to ask about these things, but if the women here tell you the way you’re asking is not respectful, then you need to take that to heart if you’re truly interested in educating yourself

Anonymous

#2 3w

Yeah exactly you just defeated your own argument thanks

-4

Anonymous

#4 3w

Yeah sorry I retyped it i realized I wrote it wrong the first time, doesn’t change my point bc strawb didn’t misrepresent you, I just mistyped

Anonymous

#4 3w

As strawb said, wether you can handle the idea or not doesn’t make it any less of a harsh reality for women that we have no choice but handle

Anonymous

#2 3w

I understand. I just feel under attack and I felt the need to lash out that’s my bad. I let my emotions get the better of me.

-3

Anonymous

#2 3w

Life is about being uncomfortable. Shit I do it everyday living with social anxiety. If you can’t have these conversations then what do we have? Can you understand that or not really? Cuz if not then I think we are at an empasse

-3

Anonymous

#4 3w

I appreciate the apology maybe step away and calm down? No one here is trying to attack you, but if the situation is upsetting you enough to lash out, think how it feels for us as victims of assault and even rape trying to deal with sensitive questions about something deeply traumatic

Anonymous

#4 3w

Life is often uncomfortable , but trauma is something different than discomfort, I too am deeply socially anxious and you know what, I wish people would be kinder about it. Rather than just brushing our feelings off bc life is uncomfortable, why not be a change and not make people uncomfortable?

Anonymous

#7 3w

I’m not arguing with you here. If a woman tells you to stop you stop. And you do always have the right to revoke that. I agree with you wholeheartedly

-2

Anonymous

#4 3w

And we are trying to tell you we may be able to have these conversations, but there are right ways and wrong ways to go about it, and the current way your doing it is not a very good way to talk to victims

Anonymous

#2 3w

I suffer from trauma. How do you resolve trauma? By talking about it. If we can’t talk about it how can we heal it? I remember getting sent to a psychiatric hospital in a situation where I shouldn’t have been sent. Me talking about it here is helping me heal. Keeping it in makes it worse. I remember my father shoveling dog shit on me when he was drunk as shit. He doesn’t even remember that!!! The same thing applies.

-2

Anonymous

#4 3w

You resolve trauma by talking about it, but not everyone is the same, for a lot of us I don’t think a stranger questioning us online really feels like a great way

Anonymous

#4 3w

It’s wonderful that’s it’s helpful to you, but if people on here are saying what you’re doing is not helpful and it’s not being well received than it’s on you to stop and respect that

Anonymous

#4 3w

Btw sorry for all that you’ve been through

Anonymous

#2 3w

There’s beauty in the struggle please try to remember that. But maybe you are right. I don’t have the courage or the strength to tell others that I suffer intensely from social anxiety. But I just know that as a man there will be people that will assume that im making excuses. And I use that as motivation to continue therapy and to continue being resilient.

Anonymous

#4 3w

Okay. Sorry I was irritated, it’s not a very enjoyable topic for me and you came off a bit aggressively. Just so you know, questions like those can feel extremely targeted. I have been asked questions like that before, and people have chosen to defend my assailant like that. Maybe next time try something like “If you are comfortable, do you mind talking about what happened?”

Anonymous

#2 3w

Well how do you heal then? But I can understand where you are coming from

-1

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Anonymous

#2 3w

Thank you 2 I appreciate it! He’s clearly just here to cause more distress to an already difficult topic. Just ignore him. It’s the smartest thing to do, especially in a conversation like this.

Anonymous

#2 3w

Don’t be sorry it wasn’t your fault. You do with the best with the cards you are dealt. I’m proud to say that most people in my position would’ve gave up a long time ago! and that’s something to be celebrated and used to empower oneself!

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

I’m not, but alright.

-3

Anonymous

#7 3w

That’s great advice I’ll keep it in mind for next time. And no problem I’m sorry I irritated you.

-2

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Anonymous

#4 3w

If you are trying to be understanding then the important thing is to listen to the people you are speaking to. Even if you are well intentioned, you could harming a group you want to help. And what you are doing isn’t coming off as wanting to help.

Anonymous

strawberry_hair 3w

I understand. I’ll keep this in mind for the future. I take back everything I said strawb you are quite alright. I appreciate everyone taking the effort and time out of their night to talk to me about this. I apologize for my conduct wholeheartedly.

Anonymous

#4 3w

Ty, see that’s what we educating yourself and being helpful at the same time, just actually listening and responding based on what we tell you is helpful :) have a good night

Anonymous

#4 3w

Also I generally heal on my own doing my own reflection and talking to maybe a handful of very trusted people I know, the internet tends to just stress me out even more so I’m not on it much

Anonymous

#2 3w

Makes sense. I can’t talk to anyone about my problems (in person) except my therapist honestly. I’m glad you have a good support system in place. That’s a boon that many people don’t have. Good for you.

Anonymous

#4 3w

Wild conversation to wake up to. You say you were molested as a child yet you question my rape? Have some fucking empathy for once in your life. You demand context bc you assume I’m lying? Fuck you. I said no to that man multiple times. Just bc I didn’t fight him off doesn’t mean I consented you prick

Anonymous

#4 3w

You say you want to understand and sympathize, but you clearly just want to understand so you can call me a liar.

Anonymous

#4 3w

Why are you in here trying to debunk different people’s SA stories 🤨 this type of mindset is exactly why we have the problem being discussed here