Anonymous #1 20w

i understand that and you don't have to get married like right away, but if you fall in love with someone why wouldn't you want to marry them?

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Anonymous #3 20w

in my experience it means dating to find the right one or your true love. you don't have to get married ig a better question is i don't understand dating without the intention of falling in love

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Anonymous #2 20w

so you don't date people to fall in love with them?

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Anonymous OP 20w

If it happens it happens, but often people date early on with the intention of having fun, gaining experience, and having a benchmark to compare future relationships to later on before settling down with the intention of spending forever with someone and marrying them.

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Anonymous #2 20w

i wouldn't want to date someone if i was just a benchmark. At that point i feel like you're intentionally keeping yourself from falling in love, which is the whole point of being in a relationship. What you're describing is just a friendship

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Anonymous OP 20w

Okay with the question now rephrased, this I can get behind

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Anonymous #3 20w

i mean like in my head its the same question. you shouldn't marry someone you don't love

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Anonymous #5 20w

you can have fun and also fall in love like what is a relationship without love

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Anonymous #6 20w

this still confuses me lol

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Anonymous OP 20w

Testing your connection with someone based on an objective or end goal of trying to marry them will likely strain the relationship even if you two are cut out for it or not. It’s still a condition being expected to pay off so there’s a bit of genuine connection that’s missing from it

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Anonymous OP 20w

No one expects successful romance from the equivalent of a job interview. People don’t fantasize on categorizing or weighing their options or searching. The first thing they fantasize about is randomly coming across someone without planning a romantic connection ahead of time. The concept of a meet cute is literally unexpected but natural

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Anonymous #6 20w

okay i see what you're saying but that's not what i meant by dating to marry, i guess i should've phrased it differently. that's my fault pls don't get mad. my confusion lies in people who ig date more so without the intention to fall in love. i don't plan on getting married anytime soon but i know that i'm in love with my boyfriend and bc of that we will get married one day. i didn't see that as a possibility until i fell in love with him.

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Anonymous OP 20w

like idk what you would call it maybe a hopeless romantic but i don't see marriage as like a bucket list item to cross off, i see it as a declaration of love and loyalty. so i don't see why you would be dating someone if you don't see it leading towards marriage.

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Anonymous OP 20w

bucket list is the wrong term more like list of things that you're obligated to do or whatever

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Anonymous OP 20w

I get that a little bit. My thing is having a destination in mind that committed still feels like criteria or a condition no matter how it’s phrased. It’s an expectation and a literal goal in mind so ofc it could take away from the naturality of it

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Anonymous OP 20w

For me, the relationship that always stuck out to me was my first even tho it only lasted two weeks. It was a time in my life I was transitioning from childhood to adulthood and I got to experience that with someone even if it was for a bit

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Anonymous OP 20w

We both knew all we were looking for was prom dates but it stuck out the most to me out of my high school experience because it wasn’t a future we had planned together. It was moments in each others’ beds rambling about our day. Holding her in my arms as we cuddled under the led lights in my room knowing that this moment won’t be here forever so we made the most of it and did what we yearned for in the moment instead of trying to find a way to keep the relationship going

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Anonymous OP 20w

We didn’t strain prom night by seeing each other in our lives forever. It was a last high school dance for us. Having someone there for our final chapter as it closed and it made it hard to let go but we knew we both were happy with what we had. Now it’ll always be high school summer days of flopped out on the bed with the ac on and music blasting or sitting in a 7-11 parking lot sharing earbuds and candy or sitting in the back of a limo sleepy from a long prom night

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Anonymous OP 20w

Sometimes the past doesn’t need to lead to a bright future. Sometimes it’s about the journey not the destination

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Anonymous #6 20w

how? just bc it's a physical contract displaying your commitment doesn't mean the relationship can't progress naturally?

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Anonymous #6 20w

i feel like this still isn't what im talking abt, like again i get what you're saying but you weren't in love with that girl, maybe more what she represents like being a teenager. i'm talking about being so in love with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

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Anonymous OP 20w

like when you know you know and i don't see the in staying in a relationship with someone if you don't truly love them.

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Anonymous OP 20w

I feel like its just not gonna click for you

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Anonymous OP 20w

I don’t think it’s the same question. But I do agree with you on how you shouldn’t marry someone you don’t love. I just think sometimes things change & that can affect ur/their decision on whether or not yall eventually want to marry each other. Nothings set in stone. Ofc don’t let my opinion bum u out either. If u want to date 2 marry, do it. Just saying my own opinion :)

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Anonymous #6 20w

I mean i feel as if anything we are describing the same thing, except you see marriage as a a final achievement and i see it more as a just a milestone. I used to be similar to you. I'd date casually, hook up occasionally. I'd be interested in people for small periods of time and then I move on. It wasn't until I met my boyfriend where I realized that he was just my person. He's the person that I can't imagine life without. He's the one who picks me up whenever i'm down.

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Anonymous OP 20w

He remembers things without me having to tell him multiple times. He's texted me good morning and good night everyday since we've known each other. I told him at the beginning before I fell in love that my career was always going to come first. However things just progressed to the point where that changed. Have you ever loved someone so much that just dating them is not enough? The only reason we aren't married is because it just doesn't make sense financially for right now.

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Anonymous OP 20w

Even after we do though, the relationship will continue to develop and stronger as we grow into that new chapter of our relationship. Its not a book end, or something to fear. It's fun and messy and scary and exciting.

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Anonymous OP 20w

That’s different than what you’re bringing up then because you still had that lifestyle until you met him so that wouldn’t even count as looking to date until marriage. Yeah the part yearning for marriage still got involved but it doesn’t sound like you weren’t searching around with the intent to marry. It was more of the natural thing I was talking about

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Anonymous OP 20w

If you’re looking to date with the intention of marriage as a milestone then it’s going in with even higher expectations then if marriage was an end making it less natural because now there’s an entire system looming over the relationship. I get what you’re saying but there is no reality where it isn’t shoehorned and its fine if it is. There’s nothing wrong with that but you can’t force two things can’t both be the reality

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Anonymous #6 20w

i mean i had always wanted to get married. i just wanted to put my career first, and marriage come later or if it didn't come than that would've been okay. I've never really viewed marriage as a book end. It was something I wanted to do but only if I fell in love with the right person. I see marriage as the human way of mating for life. Sure you could see it as a "system looming over you" but i see it as just making my love a legally member of my family.

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Anonymous OP 20w

Other milestones within a relationship is once we become parents, then after that I would say empty nesters, and sadly when one of us eventually dies. It's what I believe is the natural progression of a healthy relationship. Commitment isn't something to be afraid of, and i feel like thats more about what you struggle with and less about not understanding wanting to be with the person you love forever. I'm glad we live in a system where we can legally say we want to love this person 4ever.

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Anonymous OP 20w

Wanting to spend your life with someone can definitely grow from a place of love but that doesn’t mean it’s necessary or natural to happen in every deep relationship. Some people love intensely without feeling that permanence or marriage is needed to validate that love

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Anonymous OP 20w

A relationship’s health and authenticity comes from the conmection itself not from whether it follows a particular progression or reaches certain milestones. Marriage is just a meaningful expression of commitment but isn’t the only way love can fully exist

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Anonymous #6 20w

i would argue it is? if you truly love someone why wouldn't you want that meaningful expression of commitment? i don't understand those who date the same person for 5, 10, even 20+ years and don't get married. A long engagement can only be so long until the ring loses its purpose. I understand there are different types of love, and you're right some can be fleeting like the one you had with your prom date. However that again I wouldn't define as true love.

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Anonymous #6 20w

i agree that a relationships health comes from the connection and like i said the connection should naturally want to lead to marriage. or if you're truly anti government and don't want the literal contract, a lifelong partnership. kids are optional i will agree that not every relationship needs to or should progress to that point. i just think its a major waste of time to date someone once you realize they aren't your true love.

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Anonymous OP 20w

You’re defining true love by its outcome rather than by the connection itself. Wanting lifelong partnership is an expression of love but it’s not the only one. Some people love deeply and still don’t feel the need for marriage even for intimacy and some relationships remain meaningful even if they don’t last forever. Calling those relationships not true love seems arbitrary cuz you’re using your own preferred form of commitment as the standard for everyone else’s love

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Anonymous OP 20w

I also don’t think time spent with someone is wasted just cuz they weren’t your one person. People can change each other help each other grow and create memories that matter without being destined to stay together forever. A relationship doesn’t have to end in partnership to have been real or worth something

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Anonymous #6 20w

I mean no they aren't worthless but if you're stuck in a relationship with someone who isn't your person it will prevent you from finding them. Also yeah, they just aren't true love. I mean how would your future wife feel if you told her that your high school prom date was your true love? If she was then you would've married her. Its not that it's wasn't meaningful to you and that is didn't change you, and you might've even loved her in a different way but it wasn't true love.

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Anonymous OP 20w

I can't really describe it. You just have to experience it

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Anonymous OP 20w

I don’t think that the fact that something ended doesn’t mean it isn’t true love. It just seems like judging love by hindsight. If two people genuinely loved each other at the time, why does the relationship not working out invalidate those feelings? If things didn’t end up working out with who you’re currently with, would you say that it wasn’t true love?

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Anonymous OP 20w

With that logic, then all people who went through divorces didn’t experience true love either

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Anonymous OP 20w

Telling my future partner that I truly loved someone before him shouldn’t have an effect on our relationship. That would be a better test for true love. If it did have an effect according to your logic, then that relationship would haunt him with pressure to put out more. People can experience deep love more than once in their lives like widows. Me loving someone in the past wouldn’t make my love for him any less genuine

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Anonymous #6 20w

yeah they didn't...

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Anonymous #6 20w

I just don’t get why the need for something to be set in stone should determine whether love is real or not. Love isn’t s competition where only the last person standing counts

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Anonymous #6 20w

thats a good question, but i genuinely don't see it not working out because we are each others true love.

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Anonymous #6 20w

this just sounds like you're afraid of commitment

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Anonymous OP 20w

But even if it did?

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Anonymous #6 20w

it won't the only way i see it ending is if one of us dies, and if that were to happen then i don't think i'll ever find true love again bc i had already found it.

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Anonymous OP 20w

I don’t understand why that has to mean that. I could just as easily say you’re afraid of something being temporary but we both know there’s more to that. There’s no need to judge others for their own standards for relationships

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Anonymous OP 20w

I respect that you wouldn’t try to find love again if your partner passes away but your experience isn’t the standard for love. You’re not setting the boundaries for how love should work. I just don’t think commitment and permanence are the same thing or that only one kind of love is real. You’re assuming that because your relationship is permanent that everyone who experiences love differently must be missing something or afraid

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Anonymous #6 20w

its not that all love but true love isn't real. thats not what im saying, but the type of love you feel when something is permanent isn't the same as true love.

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Anonymous OP 20w

something isn't*

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Anonymous OP 20w

Then that’s different

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Anonymous OP 20w

I find less serious relationships fun, you find lifelong commitment fun, neither is right or wrong we just like different things

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Anonymous #5 20w

its not wrong but you should work through your commitment issues

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Anonymous OP 20w

Chalking up someone else’s preferences to issues when you have such high straining expectations for what you want out of a relationship is disrespectful. Being willing to go with the flow isn’t commitment issues

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Anonymous #6 20w

not being able to have a serious relationship with someone is quite literally the definition of a commitment issue? you can go with the flow, i never said you couldn't, but there is a major difference between going with the flow and then not taking anything seriously

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Anonymous #6 20w

thats exactly what I've been saying, you just haven't found the type of love that would make you want to commit to someone.

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Anonymous OP 20w

Its not about not being able to. It’s about being willing to when you think its necessary. Actively dodging marriage even when the relationship is leading up to it is a commitment issue. Not specifically looking for it isn’t

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Anonymous OP 20w

Then that’s not someone’s commitment issues. That’s called choice

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Anonymous OP 19w

The number of people who grow up under broken homes is at an all time high. I feel incredibly blessed that my family is kind of an exception; my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, all married and none divorced. I can’t really understand why anyone wouldn’t want that.

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Anonymous OP 19w

But for lots of people, based on their life experiences, my life is a fairy tale. Everything they’ve seen is that love is temporary, it comes and goes, people grow resentful, toxic, and abusive, and you have to know when to leave before that happens. Happily ever after is a naive child’s dream, and if it does exist then they’re probably not lucky enough to find it.

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Anonymous #3 17w

Well I guess the bigger question at play is just, even before the question of who, do you want to eventually get married? Dating to marry doesn’t mean I’m trying to fast-track a wedding as soon as possible. It means that my long term goal is to find a life-partner, so I’m not wasting my time in relationships that are only intended to be temporary flings. I’m only going to date someone if I can potentially see a long-term future with them. If it doesn’t work out, it’s fine, but that’s the intent.

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Anonymous #9 17w

Yes this is my whole point.

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