Ask Men on Sidechat | if you're a virgin/have no relationship experience why do you believe that determines your self value? i meet so many men who are so miserable and depressed, like no offense but who wants to date someone like that?

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Ask Men 3w

if you're a virgin/have no relationship experience why do you believe that determines your self value? i meet so many men who are so miserable and depressed, like no offense but who wants to date someone like that?

Anonymous 3w

The misery and depression usually comes AFTER realizing they have no inherent value. Meaning that those aspects of their character aren’t what makes them unlovable.

Anonymous 3w

Because people judge you for it? Women will get turned off by guys that have never been in a relationship or had sex especially when you’re my age of 22. I don’t really care bc I gave up on those types of relationships but when I did care that’s why. Also do you think the knowledge that nobody thinks you’re good enough for them makes you feel good? People (mostly women no offense) really struggle to understand that men are not showered with affirmations and don’t get any attention

Anonymous 3w

Luckily I’ve gotten out of that mindset but it does kind of suck when you believe that no one’s gonna love/want you and sometimes you feel that maybe you just aren’t worthy of at/that somethings wrong with you

Anonymous 3w

It’s less of a “belief” and more of a working hypothesis until proven otherwise

Anonymous 3w

Men are competitive and very achievement based. If they’ve proven to themselves they’ve failed the world, they’re gonna feel useless. I’m a dude who’s also a virgin/no deep relationship experience and i try to not let it get in my head but it does sometimes, particularly when I see lots of other couples with each other. I focus on other areas of life to prove my self worth to society such as outperforming in my job, making friends, accumulating wealth, etc.

Anonymous 3w

For me, back in the day, it was moreso the rejection than the virginity. Like, I was on dating apps for 1,093 days before I finally got into a relationship. While I can't remember many people talking down on me, but I knew hundreds of women would've seen my profile and not been down. That was a shitty feeling! It was like evidence of my inadequacy

Anonymous 3w

like can you not find value in your life that doesn't come from another person?

Anonymous

OP 3w

seems like that is in fact the case for a lot of guys :(

Anonymous

OP 3w

If that sort of value was enough to make people feel fulfilled, nobody would bother with relationships.

Anonymous

#4 3w

What?? You mean we can’t just use a baseless post-hoc assumption to write off men’s mental health issues as entirely contrived and invalid?

Anonymous

#4 3w

That’s crazy

Anonymous

#2 3w

What I’m saying is the OP is suggesting that misery and depression are making them unlovable. But that can’t be the case because they were unlovable BEFORE they were miserable and depressed. See what I mean?

Anonymous

#4 3w

I’m being sarcastic, I agree with you.

Anonymous

#2 3w

Alr mb

Anonymous

#5 3w

I see that you said “can you not find value in your life that doesn’t come from another person” but people like socializing and to be part of the group. Humans find value in these relationships if that wasn’t the case we wouldn’t have had relationships like this for all of human history. Also there are social pressures for men to be wanted by women. There are like a million different reasons why never being in a relationship can negatively affect you

Anonymous

#4 3w

Okay let me explain in more detail. If there is an individual who lacks self value and self love because they have never received it from another person, then if they do enter a relationship it's predestined to fail. Its a lot of pressure and woefully unfair for someone else to be that only person that makes you feel valued. You can't expect them to love you, if you don't love yourself.

Anonymous

#2 3w

i'm saying that i feel like single lonely men view dating as a solve all solution to their mental health, when in reality no one wants to date anyone whose mentally unhealthy.

Anonymous

OP 3w

I mean yeah you are right and I definitely feel like more people should consider retiring from the dating game overall if they’re unlovable like I did.

Anonymous

#5 3w

Are people really judging you for it? Or do you think they are? My therapist loves to point out to me that no one really cares and everyone is thinking about themselves whenever i'm worried i'm being judged. I'm 23 and i just entered my first relationship with my bf who is 30. His first relationship too. It's because neither of us were mentally ready to be in a relationship beforehand.

Anonymous

#5 3w

you can still be a part of a group that doesn't involve romance. find fulfillment in your friends, relationships with siblings, cousins, parents. find joy in the work you do that contributes to society or engage in art and culture and learn why we are so lucky to be alive right now.

Anonymous

#2 3w

you shouldn't put your self value into the hands of someone else. that needs to come from within

Anonymous

#2 3w

lots of people don't because there is more to life that is just as fulfilling. like if relationships was all there was too life then why wouldn't everyone just off themselves the moment they broke up?

Anonymous

OP 3w

It’s not like they are outwardly judging it and it’s a bit of a different situation than “everyone is staring at me because my hair looks weird” plenty of women are turned off by that fact once they know and that’s what I mean by judging. Also i remember going out to a restaurant my freshman year with some people i had just met and they asked what our body counts were (don’t ask why bc idk) and i was the only virgin and i got weird looks and then like the awkward encouragements

Anonymous

#3 3w

i'm not saying it doesn't suck, but i'm saying it makes it harder to date

Anonymous

#5 3w

those people weren't your actual friends then, and if a women judges you for that then she isn't the one.

Anonymous

#4 3w

no.... no one is unloveable. you should take some responsibility with your mental health. find ways to love yourself so you can properly accepts someones love

Anonymous

OP 3w

It comes from God, I know he loves me no matter what. Sometimes I’m not sure what he sees in me, but that knowledge keeps me going

Anonymous

#5 3w

Yess I remember the body count talks, luckily that was early in college. Now that I graduated, that’s not even a topic that comes up luckily. I don’t bring it up very often, but it does get awkward if they talk about their relationship experiences.

Anonymous

#8 3w

Obviously, things worked out in the end and now I know I *am* capable of being with someone, which has dramatically improved my mental health. Still, sometimes it still hurts knowing how few people are actually interested when I see my friend's success on the apps. At the end of the day its fine, but it still really hurts sometime